Thank You, Mom!

I am one of the lucky ones.

My decision to live as the woman I am cost me friends and relationships with professional colleagues as well as some relatives.

But Mom stood with me through all of it. Whatever and whoever else I don't have, I still have her.  That makes me one lucky gal.  

Thank you, Mom.  Happy Mother's Day! 

Speaking Up For Her Daughter

She denies it now.  Still, I think there had to be times when it couldn't have been easy for my mother to raise me.  Given the circumstances--the ones inside my head as well as those around her--she did a great job, I'd say.

There were times she defended me.  Sometimes I needed it, other times I didn't.  And there were times I deserved it, and times I didn't.  But, even though I wasn't an angel, I'd say that most of the times she stuck up for me, I was the sinned-against rather than the sinner, if you will.  Heck, there was even a time--in eighth grade, I think--when a teacher told me to restrain another kid who was acting up in the cafeteria, knowing full well that kid would start a fight with me if I did.  Even the other kid admitted as much to the principal and the teacher got a reprimand from that principal--and an earful from my mother.

But one thing she never had to do was to defend my right to use a bathroom.  Actually, my using a bathroom in school was usually a non-issue because I didn't use the facilities in school if I could help it.  To me, the boys' bathrooms were the most dangerous place in the school besides the locker room, depending on which gym teacher was on duty.  And, of course, I would not have been allowed to use the girl's bathroom.  Nor would it have occurred to me to ask, given the times.   And, to my knowledge, there weren't any gender-neutral bathrooms in the school, and I don't think I would have been allowed to use the one in the principal's office.

Does any mother--or father--ever think that defending a kid's right to use a bathroom--i.e., the one appropriate to the gender by which the kid identifies--is in his or her job description?  Then again, does any parent have any idea of what he or she is in for if the kids' transgender?

Such are the dilemmas faced by Jennifer Surridge.  Her 11-year-old, who identifies as a girl, attends school in Sodus, a rural town on the shore of Lake Ontario, about halfway between Rochester and Syracuse.  Parents there are upset that her daughter is using bathrooms and locker rooms intended for other girls.  At a school board meeting this week, Ms. Surridge had to explain to those parents that her child's gender identity is not a "choice":  She was born a girl, albeit in a boy's body, and she would be in danger in male facilities.

"Transgender is not a choice," she explained.  "I don't care what anyone in this room says, it is not a choice.  Nobody would choose to live this kind of life."

Spoken like a great mother.  Trust me, I am familiar with the species.

An Australian Judge Gets It

In Australia, a child who wishes to undergo the second stage of gender transition--which involves, among other things, taking hormones--has to apply to the Family Court for permission.  There, cases are decided according to the standards of Gillick Competence, which are used to deem whether or not a child 16 years of age or younger is able to consent to his or her own medical treatment, without parental interference or involvement.

Now Family Court Chief Justice Diana Bryant wants to see her court's jurisdiction tested in cases involving medical treatment for transgender issues.  From my understanding (I know nothing about the Australian legal system), it would mean that a test case would have to go before the full bench of the Family Court, then the High Court.

Judge Bryant was responding, in part, to a recent episode of a television program which tells the stories of transgender children as they struggle, legally and socially, to live their lives as the people they are.  That program, as well as her own research, has convinced her that transgenderism is "completely innate".  She also notes that "society is changing about these issues" and, as a result, "the system needs to respond".  

According to her, and published reports, many doctors and parents aren't happy that transgender kids in their care have to go to court to prove their competence to judges, some of whom are not as knowledgable and perceptive as Judge Bryant.  As Jamie, a 14-year-old transgender said, " I don't think it's necessary that we have to back to the court so they can decide if I'm Gillick competent, 'cause that's just up to the doctors and parents, I think".

I hope that more judges--and others who have the power to make decisions for kids like Jamie--listen to her, to Judge Bryant and everyone else (including ourselves) who know what we, in our minds and spirits, are. Then, perhaps, not so many of us would be consigned to lives clouded by depression, stalled by substance abuse and other self-destructive behavior and punctuated--or, worse, ended--by suicide attempts.

Why Parental Support For Trans Youth Matters

For two years, I co- (as a volunteer) a group for LGBT teenagers and young adults.  It was one of the more rewarding--and heartbreaking--things I've ever done.

One of the things that made it rewarding--apart from knowing (or hoping, anyway) that I helped--was seeing just how smart and resilient young people can be.  The heartbreak came in knowing the circumstances of some of those kids--especially the ones whose parents threw them out of their homes when they "came out".

After a while, I didn't have to ask--and the kid didn't have to tell--for me to know that he or she had suffered such a fate.  Much of that had to do with the kids' body language and overall bearing which, of course, are a reflection of how confident or beaten-down the kid was.

Having seen such things, I wasn't at all surprised to learn the results of a study conducted in Canada two years ago.  In six different categories of well-being, trans youth with supportive parents did much better than those with unsupportive or hostile parents.  The only thing that shocked me was just how stark the differences were between the two groups of trans kids.