Being
transgendered is not a luxury.
To some of
you, such a statement may seem so self-evident that it doesn’t need to be
said. To other people, it may be
frivolous, blasphemous or worse.
Let me put
it another way: Living as one’s true
self—that is to say, living with integrity and dignity—is not a luxury.
Likewise,
loving whomever one loves, and being loved by that person, is also not a
luxury. Nor is having the ability to
build a life around one’s relationship with such a person.
The notion
that the right to be ourselves and to
love whomever we love are luxuries is, however, deeply ingrained in people’s
psyches—not to mention our legal, social and economic systems. I say this as someone who, until the time of
her transition—and, in fact, well into it—thought that living as Justine was
not as important or necessary as going to school, having a career, building a
family or meeting all sorts of other expectations that had been placed upon
me.
The truth
is, of course, that I was never terribly successful at school, work or life
itself because I was spending so much of my time trying to live without what I
needed, and in alienation from the person I am.
I wasn’t more studious or ambitious than I was because I figured that
the grades, the accomplishments, the accolades and everything else simply
weren’t going to matter. Degrees,
titles, careers, money, beautiful lovers and spouses, and all of the other
accomplishments, accolades and trophies simply wouldn’t mean a damned thing
because they wouldn’t make life worth living.
I am trying
not to turn this into a hateful, resentful rant against heterosexual and
cisgender people. What I am trying to
do, among other things, is to point out that people who never felt any reason
to question their gender identities or any inclination to love anyone who isn’t
of the “opposite” gender—or not to marry—are not treated as if their identities
and proclivities must be earned, if they are allowed to exist at all. Of course, we tell people that it’s best to
be established in a career, or at least to have a stable job, before marrying
someone of the “opposite” gender and having children. However, if they are having difficulty
providing for their kids, or are going through “rough patches” in their
relationships, nobody questions their right to be married or have kids. If anything, they often find sympathy and
even help, even if they were “too young” or “too poor” when they got married
and had kids. If one or both members of
the couple has a reasonably good insurance plan, it will pay for the hospital
stay and most other costs related to giving birth. And, as we all know, there
are tax benefits (at least in the US) for being a married heterosexual couple
and having kids.
The fact
that there is such approval and support for a man and a woman who have kids
tells us that the so-called nuclear family is seen as a foundation of society
and, therefore, not a luxury. The legal,
social and economic arrangements I’ve described also allow people in
heterosexual marriages, especially if they have kids, to feel secure in
themselves in ways denied to those of us whose sense of ourselves and who we
love is not condoned, let alone supported, by society in general. A number of studies show that married people
(particularly men) make much more money than single people, and that their kids
do better in school.
Now, of
course, social conservatives would take that last statement as evidence that
marriage should be defined as a union between a man and a woman, and that only
people who are so married should be allowed to give birth to, or adopt,
children. But what it shows me is the
importance of having a positive (though not overly egoistic) image of one’s
self in attaining loce and other kinds of success. To understand what I mean, all you have to do
is to look at how much more likely despised or disapproved-of people are to be
depressed, or to abuse substances, attempt suicide or harm themselves in any
number of other ways. I know this as
someone who has done those things and was depressed for about 35 of the first
45 years of her life. Now, I’m not
saying that my gender-identity issues were the sole cause of those problems,
and I’m not using the fact that I had to live as someone I’m not as the excuse
for underachieving and other failures.
After all, some people have had the same problems as mine and attained
success in one way or another. But even
those people—including a few I know personally—wonder how much more they could
have achieved, or what different choices they might have made, had they been
able to live and love their entire lives as the people they truly are.
Almost
nobody denies that those who grow up poor and, as a result, attend bad schools
or get substandard nutrition will have a more difficult time in realizing his
or her potential. I think that most of
us would want to see talented, sensitive or simply ambitious kids get the kind
of education that will help them realize their potential and dreams. I think most people would also want those
kids to get the help they need in overcoming the emotional difficulties they
may have as a result of growing up in a fractured environment.
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