Someone Else's Decision

Yesterday I was talking to a young man--a former student of  mine--who'd gotten a young woman pregnant.  I told him the sorts of things an older, and presumably wiser, person is supposed to say:  Having the baby, or not, is a serious decision, and whatever they do will have an effect on him, not to mention her.  I also advised him to get some really good counseling because, while he might make a good father, he still needs to work through some of the issues his own family left him.  

A part of me wanted to admonish him for getting the woman pregnant. But I knew that doing that would have been pointless.   I think that, on some level, he wanted to impregnate her, or some woman, because he's talked about having a child.  But he also knows that he doesn't have the sort of job or finances he wants; if he has the child, those won't improve for a while, and going for his master's degree, which he brought up the last time I talked with him, would be all but out of the question for a long time.

But most of all, I don't think he's ready to commit.  Part of me wants to say, "Typical guy!" But I also know that browbeating him into a commitment wouldn't do him, the woman, the baby or anyone else any good.  I have never believed the conventional wisdom that having a child "steadies" a man and makes him realize that it's time to "settle down."  I've seen too many men in whom the exact opposite happened:  They equated committing themselves to, if not marrying, the mother of the child and the expectation that they will help to raise, or at least support that child, as the proverbial "ball and chain."  They became even more reckless than they were before the birth of the child, or they simply spent most of the money they made on themselves.  

Now, lest you think I'm man-bashing, remember my history.  Yes, I have felt the same kind of fear and revulsion so many young men feel at the prospect of giving up their "freedom."  Interestingly, those feelings are not at all incongruous with wanting to have a child:  Many men see, in child's play, the very kind of freedom they want to keep.  I've heard more than one man say that he didn't like being married but he loved having kids.

I think the young man in question also wants kids more than he wants marriage--or a woman, for that matter.  Having been on his side of the fence, so to speak, I can see his point of view.  I could also understand his dilemma in one other way:  I've also gotten a young woman pregnant.  In fact, I did that twice.  One time my family knew about:  I was in my early twenties, if I remember correctly, and the young woman and I had talked about marriage.  But I knew, even before the tests were positive, that I was not suited to be a husband or father--for a variety of reasons.  Most of those reasons are still valid, at least for me.  

So the young woman had the abortion.  Our relationship didn't last very long after that.  Even then, I wasn't surprised, any more than I was the first time I got a young woman pregnant.  No one in my family  knows about it--unless they are reading this.  I was in high school and working a part-time job so that I could save money for college.   I usually gave my mother the money, who deposited it for me.  So of course she noticed when I wasn't giving her money. 

I don't remember what excuse I gave.  Whatever it was, it was better,or at least easier to tell, than the truth.  

I don't know who, if anyone, else that young man has told about his situation.  Whether or not he's told anyone, I can understand why.  Still, I firmly advised him to at least talk to a counselor.  

As I write about that encounter with him, it seems even stranger than it did when it was unfolding.  Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I was giving him advice based on my experience, but not necessarily my own life. 

Three Months: One Woman to Another

I can't believe it's been three months since my surgery. Soon, I'm supposed to be more or less normal. That is to say, if my doctor and gynecologist give me the OK, I'll be back on my bike and able to have sex. I have the equipment for either pastime; for the latter, all I need is a suitable partner!

Tomorrow I see the doctor, and I see the gynecologist next week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. At least I'm not using that as a birth control method--not anymore, anyway! ;-)

Now I feel a little guilty for making that bad joke. Last night, I talked again with the young student of mine who told me, last week, she'd just gotten pregnant. When we talked last week, I tried to give her both the "pros" and the "cons" of giving birth or having an abortion. What surprised me is not only how confident she felt in speaking to me, but also how confident I felt in listening to her and offering her advice.

In some way, I could feel--not only vicariously, but even in some visceral way--her pain. "I don't want to give up my child," she insisted. Although having a child wouldn't have been the "best thing for her"--at least in the sense most of us think of that phrase--I felt a lot of respect for her when she articulated her wish not to have an abortion. No matter what science says, there will always be people who think that life begins at conception. And science has been wrong before.

She was convinced that she had a boy growing inside her.

Of course, as an educator, I thought of how that young woman's life as she knew it would, in effect, end before she turned twenty years old if she had the baby. School would be out of the question for many years; she would also have to find a way to make her relationship with her boyfriend work, or raise that baby alone or with the help of family members. The only problem with the latter option was that, well, it wasn't an option with her conservative, religious parents. As for her boyfriend: They'd broken up a few weeks before the pregnancy, gotten back together, had sex once (one time too many, in her parents' eyes) and gotten pregnant.

She still hasn't even told her parents that she'd gotten pregnant. And she doesn't plan to, she says.

Which means, of course, that they won't know about her abortion.

When she talked to me last week, she told me that her boyfriend wanted her to end her pregnancy. She also told me he accused her of "getting emotional about everything."

"Well, that's one thing he never could understand. He doesn't have that embryo inside him. So his body, not to mention his spirit, could never feel to him the way yours does to you right now."

Her eyes widened. "Yes! That's one thing guys never could understand about us."

The funny thing, in retrospect, is that I didn't pause mentally when she said that. I also didn't feel as if I were acting or "faking it" when I went along with her. Somehow I could just feel her emotions so strongly that I can honestly say I understood her about as well as someone in my situation could.

But last night, when she said, "I just knew I could talk to you," I felt that I had to "come clean," at least in one way.

"Well," I said, "I was feeling your pain. But I'll admit that I never have been pregnant, and never can become pregnant."

"Really?"

I explained why. To which she responded: "I never would have guessed. But you are so wise and so caring. I'm glad I talked to you."

"And I'm here for you, even when I'm not your professor anymore."

"You always will be."

Thank you for reminding me of that, young lady.

By the way: Class went very nicely. Maybe it's just because I enjoy teaching that class--a literature course--more than I enjoy the course on writing research papers, which is what I was teaching the other day. The students in that class are fine; it's just hard to make that course, which students are required to take, enticing. It's lots of detail work, which doesn't draw upon my strengths and passions as a creative person with a conceptual mind. I can teach that course reasonably well, but I'm sure others could do it better. But when I'm teaching lit or other kinds of writing courses, the students are looking at my soul.

And that young woman spoke to it. I was describing my encounter with her to Jason, a trans man I know and whom I bumped into on my way home. "She would've come to you, no matter what," he insisted.

Three months since surgery...It's going to be interesting to see what happens after six months. Or a year. Or whatever comes after that.