23 September 2009

More Giddy-Up; Where Did The Anger Go?

So fall has just begun and what did we get? Summer weather, of course! It was warm and humid, though at least it stayed sunny through much of the day.

I've been really tired the last couple of days. That's why I didn't post yesterday: I got home late and couldn't do much more than dilate and take my bath. And, of course, taking a bath when you're already tired isn't going to keep you awake.

The funny thing is that nobody seems to notice my tiredness. Maybe it's because I've been rather giddy, too--about nothing in particular, really. Well, things are going well at school, but that doesn't seem reason to be almost giggly sometimes.

I remember when I started to get the "giggle fits" around the same time I started to experience the crying jags--a couple of months after I first started to take hormones. But now I wonder where these titters and wider-than-the-Grand Canyon smiles are coming from. Maybe my body is going through another sort of chemical readjustment, which of course may have been brought on by my recovery from the surgery.

Truth be told, I got tired yesterday after doing more than I probably should have. I got rid of some clutter and did my laundry before going to work. I probably should have done only one or the other. In school, I noticed that the students were more attentive and laughing a little more than usual. One young woman assured me that I didn't have any visible wardrobe malfunctions or makeup mishaps. So I guess they were responded to their normally witty, intelligent, good-humored professor, who just wasn't making any sense at that moment. Maybe they didn't notice any difference.

What's really strange is that I used to get angry and cranky when I was tired. I used to feel that other people, and even life on this planet itself, was draining me of all of my energy. And, when I didn't have enough anger for myself (which wasn't often), I used to borrow it from other people. I'd spew venom and bile over their grievances, or simply internalize them. I fooled a few people into thinking that I had such concern for other people and wanted to be some sort of champion of justice, when in fact I was merely finding rationales for being angry. And getting tired, whether physically or mentally (I hadn't yet acknowledged spiritual fatigue.) was sure to raise my wrath.

When I've told people who didn't know me back in the day, they can't believe I was so enraged. And the ones who've seen photos of me say that they can see the anger (or sometimes sadness) in them, but can't connect it with the person they know now. Not that I'd want them to!

Oh well. I guess I should be thankful that my big problem is giggle fits. It's certainly better than what I had before.

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