16 May 2009

Dreams, Fatigue, Sleep, More Dreams

I thought the dentist gave me local anaesthesia for my surgery. Here I am, two days later, still feeling tired. Yesterday I slept early in the evening, then got up and stayed up late. This morning, I was awakened much earlier than I had anticipated by a mail carrier delivering a package to me. Late this afternoon, I dozed off for a while. Now I'm awake late at night, again.

To be fair, I know that the anaesthesia didn't, or at least shouldn't have, made me tired. But I have to wonder if it wreaked havoc with my sleeping patterns. Hopefully, I'll return to some sort of normal sleeping schedule soon.

Bruce asked me an interesting question yesterday: Have I had dreams about my upcoming surgery. I haven't, that I know of. Then again, I don't make much effort to remember my dreams. Once in a while, I do recall one, but not because I was trying to hold on to it.

Were I to dream about my surgery,or anything related to it, what would the dream be like? Would it be one of those dreams from which I awaken in a cold sweat and with my heart racing? Or one in which I feel as if I'm falling through my bed?

I seem to never wake up from a pleasant dream. So, who knows? : Maybe I've had a happy dream or two about the surgery after all.

A pleasant dream about a surgery. Hmmm....? Perhaps it's more realistic than it sounds. Early in my transition, I told my social worker that I felt as if I had awakened from a bad--and very long--dream. That is why I felt anxiety and exhiliaration at the same time: I felt the anxiety over what I had experienced rather than what lay before me, which I could not imagine anyway. I could only anticipate and plan some of the things I would do, such as "coming out" to family, friends and co-workers. But I could not foresee what the results of those actions would be. At least they've been, for the most part, better than I'd hoped. After all, I am getting closer and closer to my surgery, aren't I?

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