Re-Named In The Church Of England?

"It's a girl!"

I sent a "birth" announcement beginning with that line after I woke from my gender-reassignment surgery. For the time of my "birth", of course, I mentioned the date and hour my surgery was completed, and that I was "born" a healthy girl who weighs "I won't tell you how much".

Of course, that message was meant to be humorous--at least somewhat.  You see, I felt as if I had been born.  Surprisingly, a female colleague  who had given birth not long before then believed, perhaps more than anyone else, that I had indeed been born.

Now it seems that some clergy in the Church of England understand--and want to recognize--our births into our lives as the people we really are.

Reverend Chris Newlands, the vicar of the Lancaster Priory, has proposed a motion to the General Synod to debate plans to introduce a new ceremony.  That rite would be akin to baptism and mark the new identities of those who undergo a gender transition.

Rev. Newlands was spurred into action by a young trans man who asked whether he could be re-baptized.  "Once you've been baptized, you're baptized," the priest said.

"But I was baptized as a girl, under a different name," the parishioner explained. 

As I understand it, the Church of England is much like its American offshoot, the Episcopal Church, in that the official church view on transgenderism, or many other issues, is that two opposing views "can be properly held".   That gives local church and parish officials a lot of leeway to interpret doctrine.  So while there are priests like Reverend Newlands who see the need for a re-baptism ceremony, and individual parishes that welcome trans people, there are still conservative clergy, officials and congregations that will not accept gay clergy or same-sex marriage. 

So, while I am glad Reverend Newlands has trying to start a discussion of the issue, I think it will be a while before we can tell whether the motion he proposed has any chance of passing, let alone whether the church will adopt the ceremony he has in mind.

Transgender Girl Scouts!

They're letting boys become Girl Scouts!  No....

No, it's not happening.  But that's what all those hate "socially conservative" and superstitious "religious" groups with "Family" in their name would have you believe.

Boys in makeup and dresses!

How many times have we heard that canard?  They are not boys or even "boys who identify as girls".  They are girls who happen to have been assigned the male gender at birth.

Boys in the tents with girls!

See above.  They're not boys.  And, contrary to the fears being mongered by all of those "family" groups, there's not a single report, anywhere, of a trans girl or woman sexually harassing, assaulting or molesting anyone.  We may not be angels, but we frankly have better things to do.

Whoever's in charge of the Girl Scouts of America seems to understand as much.  At least, that's the sense one gets from this statement on their website:

Girl Scouts is proud to be the premiere leadership organization for girls in the country. Placement of transgender youth is handled on a case-by-case basis, with the welfare and best interests of the child and the members of the troop/group in question a top priority. That said, if the child is recognized by the family and school/community as a girl and lives culturally as a girl, then Girl Scouts is an organization that can serve her in a setting that is both emotionally and physically safe.

Of course the bigoted Christian right won't let that one lie. They believe it's a
"slap in the face to Christian parents."

Ah, yes--that canard again.  Whenever we get some of the rights other people have, "Christians" cry "We're being persecuted!" 

Let them howl. The Girl Scouts are, at least, being the leadership organization they say they are.

Maybe I'll buy some more of their cookies.  Let me tell you, the Somosa's are amazing.  So are the good old-fashioned Thin Mints.  And the Rah-Rah Raisins.  (What was that about my diet?)

I Heard About This Rumour...

There's a Rumour in the NBA...

No, that's not something a British sports journalist wrote about American professional basketball, though it could be.  (As to what that rumour might be, I'll leave it up to your imagination! ;-)).  Actually, it's the dream of a 12-year-old boy in Kentucky.

It just happens that the boy's name is Rumour. Still, this story--of a 12-year-old boy who wants to play in the NBA--would not be remarkable except for one other detail.

Since you're reading this blog, you might have guessed what that detail is. Yes, Rumour was assigned the female sex at birth. But, from the moment he could talk, he has insisited he is a boy.

The last time he wore a dress, at age 5, he insisted, "I'll never wear this again." He traded dolls for tools, and likes to ride dirtbikes and play in the dirt.  

"We fought it for as long as we could," says Brandon Brock, the stepfather of Rumour Lee Setters.  "We finally gave in" and, he recalls, realized his son wasn't going through "a phase".  Now his mother, Rachel, says, "I wouldn't have Rumour any other way."

Whether or not he makes it to the NBA, it looks like he's already experienced victory.

Can't Escape From Hate, Even In Death

On Thursday the 14th, Rachel Bryk's body was recovered.  She was found floating in the Hudson River, near the spot where she jumped from the George Washington Bridge three weeks earlier.

Seeing at least one of the comments in response to an article about the recovery of her body, it's easy to see why she killed herself.  In addition to the daily pain she experienced from her medical conditions, she put up with bullying and harassment.  Some even taunted her to kill herself.

Now she is no longer in physical pain (or so I assume).  However, as the comments indicate, she is still being tormented by haters. 

What ever happened to respect for the dead?
 

He Crashed The Train Because He's Gay

A few weeks ago, Time magazine's cover trumpeted a "transgender tipping point".  Indeed, more and more people are starting to understand--and accept--us.  Some of this, of course, has to do with celebrities like Bruce Jenner "coming out" as trans.  And I think it also has to do with the fact that more and more people are simply aware that some neighbor, co-worker, friend or even family member is trans.

As happy as I am about this development, I have also seen a dark side to it.  Those who hate us are becoming more virulent and, in some cases, violent.  They are going to more extreme methods to oppose us in whatever ways they can.  Those who don't have the means or wherewithal to do such things are coming up with ever-more-implausible and simply loopy notions about us and the terrible things we're responsible for.

All of what I've said also applies to gays and lesbians. As more states and countries legalize gay marriage, homophobes attribute everything from natural disasters to security breaches--and the old favorites like paedophilia--to gay people.

Add the recent Amtrak crash to the list.  Sandra Rose--who can actually make Ann Coulter seem like Stephen Jay Gould--claims that Brandon Bostian, the engineer of that train, crashed it because he wanted media attention.  He had been campaigning for the government to adopt greater rail safety marriage--and legalize gay marriage.

Now, how she can conflate his advocacy of gay marriage with his rants about the government's inaction about rail safety--and how she can say that he crashed the train to call attention to them--is something that, perhaps, takes a mind greater than mine to comprehend, let alone explain.  If you can walk me through Ms. Rose's logic, please do so.

Robert Rayford: The First AIDS Victim In North America?

On 5 June 1981, the US Centers for Disease Control published its now-famous report describing rare lung infections in five previously-healthy gay men in Los Angeles.  This is commonly seen as the beginning of the AIDS era.

These days, just about everybody knows how HIV/AIDS is transmitted.  But no one seems to know for sure where it originated or why, in the US, its first victims were gay men and intravenous drug users.

What's also not clear is when the virus, or whatever causes AIDS, originated.  That question grew even more puzzling after the tissues of a 16-year-old boy who died on this date in 1969 were tested nearly two decades later and found to have been infected with AIDS.

At the time, he was known only as Robert R.  A few years ago, his full name--Robert Rayford--was disclosed.  He was born and died in St. Louis, far from the first clusters of the disease, and apparently never traveled outside the midwestern US. 

In 1968,  he checked into City Hospital with lesions all over his legs and genitals. He also complained of shortness of breath and fatigue, and claimed he had experiencing those symptoms since at least since late 1966.  

Those symptoms and the lesions and sores would come to be known as the hallmarks of AIDS.  The lesions and sores were particularly puzzling, as they were of the type known as Kaposi's Sarcoma which, until that time, had been found only in elderly men of Jewish and Eastern and Southern European ancestry.  Robert, in contrast was an African-American teenager.

Further diagnosis revealed a sexually transmitted chlamydial disease called lymphogranumola venerum (LGV).  It, too, did not respond to standard treatments and the chlamydial bacterium was found in Robert's bloodstream.  Up to that time, no one had ever found it in a person's bloodstream. 

Some believe that he was gay or bisexual, which the doctors who diagnosed and treated him wouldn't have known to ask.  He did admit to having sexual activity "with a neighborhood girl", though he wasn't more specific.  This has led to speculation that he was a child prostitute or was sexually abused.

Whatever the case, his condition deteriorated rapidly.  His whole body swelled with fluid.  Doctors tried all of the proven treatments for his conditions; none of them worked.  Most troubling of all, the infection spread to his lungs.

What all of this meant, of course, was a meltdown of Robert's immune system.  Even the timeframe of his illness and deterioration corresponded with that of early cases in the AIDS epidemic.  He also died in a way that was very typical of early AIDS cases:  from pneumonia contracted in his weakened state.

We all know that the early days of the AIDS epidemic devastated the gay male community:  Nearly all gay men in that time knew another gay man who died from the disease, and most of us who knew gay men also knew of someone who succumbed to the illness.  During the 1990s and in the early 2000s, the number of gay and bisexual men who contracted the disease fell dramatically, thanks to awareness campaigns and better treatments. But the numbers began to pick up again.  Some blame complacency; others point to the fact that most of the new cases were young men who didn't come of age during the early days of the epidemic.

I have seen very little mention, however, of how much of a swath HIV/AIDS has cut through the transgender community.  At least, it seems that no one outside the community is talking about it.  Actual statistics are hard to come by, but when you realize that we have rates of unemployment and poverty far higher than those of any other population, it's hard not to think that we are one of the groups of people most affected by the disease. Also, too many of us have engaged in sex work simply to survive, and I would guess that we are also more likely to experience, or have experienced, sexual violence of one kind or another.  (How many rapists use condoms?)  Finally, far too many of us don't get the medical care we need, whether through lack of insurance or phobias developed from encounters with transphobic health care providers. Or we simply, like Robert Rayford, do not have a way of telling our providers what we're experiencing, and unless a provider has a lot of contact with gay and trans people, he or she simply wouldn't--as Robert's doctors couldn't--know what to ask.

How Much Are Those Lilacs On The Wall

One way I know it's really spring is when I'm riding--whether to work or for fun--and my peripheral vision increases.

It seems that as the days grow longer and the air milder, I am less focused on my immediate space than I am when I'm exhaling steam and there's snow and ice around me.  Could it be that I simply have to notice more (ice patches and such) immediately in front of, and around, me during the winter?  Or does my scope increase when I remove hoods, balaclavas and such and have only my helmet on my head?

Maybe I've discovered a corollary to the material world:  Perhaps the human field of vision expands when warmed and contracts when chilled.

Hmm...Could I have made some discovery that, for once and for all, links the physical sciences with what we know about human consciousness?

All right...Before I get all grandiose on you (too late?), I'll show you a couple of things I saw while riding to work this week.  There's nothing profound here:  just a couple of moments I captured on my cell phone.


Make what you will of this, but the things that make me happiest about Spring are cherry blossoms and lilacs.  Both came late this year, which is probably why they seemed all the more vivid to me.  I paid ten bucks for a bouquet of lilacs that's on my table.  Perhaps I could have taken them from here:

With the money I saved, maybe I wouldn't have to ask, "How much is that doggie in the window?" 

 Instead, I'd leave it to Patti Page:

A Trans Man Is Attacked: It's All About Misogyny

I realize that in this blog, I have recounted many--too many--stories about harrassment, assaults and even killings perpetrated by haters against trans women.

While we are certainly more likely to be the victims of hate crimes than other people, I don't want to give the impression that all transphobic violence is committed by cisgender men against trans women (or males who violate societal gender norms).  Indeed, too many trans men also are abused, beaten or worse by those who simply cannot abide our existence.

Yesterday, Paul Wettengel was charged with hate crimes for his alleged assault in a Boulder, Colorado bus stop last month.  His victim was a trans man.

According to a published account of the incident, a man asked Wettengel for a lighter.  Wettengel shoved him.  A third man--who would become the victim of the crimes for which Wettengel is now charged--tried to intervene by getting in between them.

Wettengel punched him in the face and, apparently realizing the victim is trans, grabbed his breasts and stomach while calling him derogatory names related to homosexuality as well as transgenderism.

The incident, if it was anything like it's been reported, shows that at the root of all transphobia (and homophobia) is misogyny.  Wettengel attacked the trans man whom he perceived as "a girl pretending to be a guy"; too many trans women are victimized because we are perceived as men who don't have the balls to live as men and who choose, instead, to be female.  Gay men are also perceived that way and similarly victimized, just as lesbians are attacked for being women who think they are men or who think they're too good for men.  

How can anyone hate women so much, knowing that we're all born from them?

One Of The Things We Have In Common, Unfortunately...

In 2007-2008 IMPACT, the LGBT health and development program of Northwestern University, conducted a survey of LGBT youth in Chicago.  They conducted another round of interviews in 2012-13.

Among their findings are:

From IMPACT's website.

 

Coming Out In The Company

When I first "came out" at work, some of my colleagues and supervisors were supportive; others were surprised.  A few were hostile.  The hostile ones were invariably cowards:  They expressed their disdain or hatred of--OK, let's call it what it is:  their bigotry--only when there weren't other witnesses to it.  

Whatever I endured, I reminded myself that I was in one of the better lines of work for trans people.  I simply could not have imagined what my experience might have been like had I been, say, on Wall Street or in the military.

Or the CIA.  I didn't think that people would even broach the subject in "The Company".  In 1988, when computer expert Tracey Ballard "came out" as a lesbian, openly gay Americans were not allowed to have security clearances.  Ballard's disclosure led to a lengthy investigation and made her an outcast in an organization in which homophobia was well-entrenched.

I didn't know Ms. Ballard's story at the time I started my transition. But I didn't think the CIA--or, for that matter, most other government agencies--had become much more welcoming than they were in the '80's or earlier.

However, around the time of my transition, things were starting to change.  A few Federal employees made known  the discrimination they endured. One such case resulted in a landmark ruling for a retired Army Special Forces colonel whose offer of a job as a terrorism specialist at the Library of Congress when she revealed her intention of starting the job as a woman.  Now other Federal agencies--including the CIA--have adopted protocols to protect transgender employees.  

One of those employees is someone identified only as "Jenny", a Middle East expert who "came out" to her supervisor three years ago.  Today, according to the account I read, her identity is "an afterthought" to her fellow employees.

Tracey Ballard could not have hoped for such a happy ending--in 1988.  At least some can hope now.  

The Dog Whistle

There's one sure-fire way to tell when people enjoy privilege they don't even realize they have.  When people who don't have the same privilege get a piece of it, the ones who already have such privilege howl with outrage.  They see themselves as persecuted, and the ones who've gained a little bit of parity with them as menaces who are infringing upon their "rights".

Jeb Bush--who is widely expected to declare his candidacy for the Republican nomination to next year's Presidential election--said that Obama is using his "coercive power" to "limit religious freedom". 

When right-wing politicians talk like that, you know they--and their audiences--are thinking in particular of same-sex marriage.  It's almost as if such whining about "religious freedom" or the persecution Christians supposedly face are really just codes for their abhorrence that LGBT people are finally being allowed to live the kinds of lives straight and cisgender people have always taken for granted.

Really, it's no different from how some politicians--in some cases, the very same ones who feel so threatened by same-sex marriage--talk about "states' rights" or "the inner city" when they want to work their audiences into a lather about people darker than themselves getting the opportunities, and the same avenues of redress, they have.  In other words, it's how they talk about race without mentioning it.

Ian Haney Lopez refers to the use of such coded language--whether it's about blacks, gays, trans people or Muslims--"dog whistle politics" in his book by that name.  Hmm...What does that say about those who use it--or, worse, those who sit up and pay attention when they hear it?

Thank You, Mom!

I am one of the lucky ones.

My decision to live as the woman I am cost me friends and relationships with professional colleagues as well as some relatives.

But Mom stood with me through all of it. Whatever and whoever else I don't have, I still have her.  That makes me one lucky gal.  

Thank you, Mom.  Happy Mother's Day! 

Bushwick Avenue Sunset

Seen on an end-of-day bike ride:

 

Avery's Story

Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I might've become had I not been bullied, or bullied others, because of what I am or what others perceived me to be. 

I wonder what my life could have been like had I the courage to be who I am at an earlier age.  

Of course, the world was a much different place--at least in its attitudes toward gender nonconformists--from what it's becoming today.  There was barely even a language to express what many of us felt, especially if we didn't fit into the stereotypes about being transgendered that early trans people, probably unwittingly, helped to perpetrate by living up (or down) to societal and cultural expectations (not to mention some pure-and-simple prejudices) about how people are supposed to live in one gender or the other.

I mean, how could anyone have understood that I loved sports just as much as I loved dresses, and that I prized nice accessories for my bike as much as I cherished fabulous accessories for my outfits?  Or that, as a female, I was still attracted to females?  (Even those who "didn't have a problem" with lesbians couldn't understand that!)

That is why I find it so heartening to see young people proudly announce who they are--and their parents supporting them.

One such child is Avery, whose story was posted the other day on YouTube:

Two Words

The English language is wonderful. Really.  

After all, it takes only two words to save trans or gay kids from getting the shit kicked out of them in the schoolyard--or trans or gay adults from getting fired from their jobs, evicted from their homes or denied health care or other services.

Just two words.  Deux mots justes.  

On the other hand, those two words are so powerful that they would make some parents pull their kids out of a school--out of fear of the  trans students their kids are bullying.

Two cheap, measly little words.  They're so little the local school board can slip them right past the parents.  Or so those parents fear--because, as little as they are, they could expose their kids to "she male" teachers.

What are those two words?

Hold on to your hats:  Gender identity.

All someone has to do is add those two words to a non-discrimination policy.   Two words, mightier thant the two hydrogen bombs Barry Goldwater  wanted to drop on Vietnam.

That's why some folks in Fairfax County, Virginia are trying to stop them.  Gender identity.  Those words could end the world as they know it.

They could also end the world that those bullied kids know.  

A Real-Life Barbie (If It's Not An Oxymoron)

What does Barbie look like in real life?

Galia Saylen asked herself that question a few years ago.  Here she is, with her answer:

Delaware Inmate Fights For Name Change

In Delaware, as in many other US States, inmates are allowed to change their names only for religious purposes.

Now Governor Jack Markell is backing legislation that, if passed, would allow transgender prisoners to change their names.  However, there is no provision in the law for transferring detainees from facilities designated for their birth gender to those reserved for the gender by which they identify.

The, sponsored by Representative James "J.J." Johnson, comes after two courts in The First State blocked a name-change petition from  an inmate at the Baylor Women's Correctional Institution.  Lakisha Lavette Short, who is serving a 55-year sentence as a repeat offender, identifies as a man and wants to go by the name "Kai".  

Last August, Delaware State Supreme Court Judge Jane Brady,  in denying Short's petition, wrote that there is no fundamental right to change one's name.  She also wrote that the state has legitimate reasons to deny a name change because it "needs the ability to quickly and accurately identify people in prison and on parole". Moreover, she claimed, in essence, that  inmates seeking  name changes for religious reasons are "in a separate category" because of their First Amendment right to religious freedom.

American Civil Liberties Union lawyers working with Short are arguing that current Delaware law violates the Equal Protection Clause of the US Constitution because it allows prisoners to change their names for religious, but not any other, reasons.

An earlier version of Johnson's bill would have allowed for the transfer of prisoners from the a facility for one gender to a facility for the other.  That part was removed before the bill was introduced.

Two years ago, Governor Markell and other lawmakers approved legislation adding gender identity to the Diamond State's anti-discrimination laws.  Let's hope they can continue their good work.

Now It's Really A Women's College

What does it mean to be a "women's" or "female" college?

Not long ago--say, twenty or even fifteen years ago--almost anybody would have defined such a school (which were still called "girls' colleges" when I was in elementary school) as one that admitted only students whose birth certificates identified them as female.  And, I believe, very few people would have questioned such a definition or the policies derived from it.

Over the past few years, that's been changing.  Actually, most women's schools did not have clearly-articulated policies about gender, except to say that those who are born male are not eligible for admissions.  

A number of trans men have attended those schools.  Most lived as female during their days in those schools; a few transitioned to male and the schools,  to their credit, usually did what they could to support those men.  However, as more than one official is quick to point out, such a policy is not an endorsement of the mistaken notion that trans men are "really" women.

Still, until last year, none of the country's female-only schools was willing to admit someone who identifies as female but was born as male.  Mills College, in Oakland, CA, was the first to do so and to craft a "welcoming" policy for transgender women.  Mount Holyoke College soon followed.

Now Smith College has done likewise.  In doing so, the Massachusetts liberal-arts college has become the first "Seven Sisters" school to say it will consider applications from transgender women.  The move came after the school came under heavy criticism--and threats of withheld donations from alumnae--after it denied the application of Calliope Wong, a trans woman from Connecticut.  To be fair, when Ms. Wong applied, she was not yet legally recognized as female in her home state of Connecticut.  Still, she was--and is--living as a woman, and her situation generated a petition that gathered over 4000 signatures.

How long before the other Seven Sisters colleges--and other single-sex schools--follow the lead of Mills, Mount Holyoke and Smith?

 

Now You Can Be A Mx.--In England, Anyway

I identify as a woman.  Any time I'm asked for a salutation, I use "Ms.", in part because the titles "Mrs." and "Miss" seem both inappropriate for me and simply troublesome.  For one thing, I don't think a woman's salutation should announce her marital status if a man's doesn't signal his. For another, since I'm not married--and, were I to marry, I probably wouldn't take on my spouse's name--"Mrs." simply wouldn't make any sense.  And somehow "Miss" doesn't seem right for a woman of my age.

(In France, women "of a certain age" are usually referred to as "Madame", whether or not they are married.  Female salutations are used in similar ways in other cultures; i.e., "senora" and "senorita" in Spanish-speaking countries, and "signora" and "signorita" in Italy.)

Having said those things, I believe that a person should have the right not to identify as male or female.  Such a person should be allowed to create another gender identity, or not to have a gender identity at all.

Interestingly, some other countries are, in effect, allowing that.  Four years ago, an Australian  who goes only by the name Norrie was issued papers that say "Sex Not Specified."  As I understand, a few other people have received such papers.

Now people in the UK can get drivers' licenses and other official documents on which their names are preceded by "Mx."--which is usually pronounced as "Mux"--instead of "Ms.", "Mrs.", "Miss",  "Mr.", "Dr.", "Lord" or "Lady".  Royal Mail, the country's major banks, government agencies and some universities are now also acepting this title.  It even appears in the drop-down boxes of some online job applications and other forms.

It will be interesting to see whether the title is adopted here in the US.  I am old enough to remember the uproar over "Ms." when it first appeared.  Some people actually thought it was the end of civilization when the New York Times started using it in their articles in the late 1970's.  If Americans start to use "Mx>", how long will it take the Times to allow it onto their hallowed pages?

I also have to wonder how or whether other cultures that don't have an equivalent of "Ms>" will deal with "Mx."

Still Learning What It Means

Early in my transition, people would sometimes say, “Oh, it must be so difficult.”  By “it”, they meant my transition and the things it entailed.  While I admit that some parts of it were strange, awkward or simply a pain in the ass (Try going through a second puberty in your forties!), I would point out that, for me, the real difficulty was having to live up to society’s, and some individual peoples’, expectations while pretending to be someone I wasn’t. 

From the time I first started my counseling, therapy and hormones until the day I had my operation, a bit more than six years had passed.  Now it’s been almost six years since my operation.  Along the way, some of my expectations have changed.  I have found friends and allies in people I didn’t expect to be on my side, or whom I simply never could have anticipated meeting.  On the other hand, I have lost relationships with people whom I thought would walk with me, or at least lend some sort of emotional support and spiritual sustenance, on my journey. 

Probably every trans person can say such things.  Also, nearly every one of us (or, at least, the trans people I know) would agree that the sorts of people we become, and envision ourselves becoming, are at least somewhat different from what we’d anticipated when we were still living our former lives or when we started our transitions.  A few might be disappointed, but I think more—I include myself—feel the pressure of, and are ostracized for not,  living up to a new set of expectations.  Some expected that I would be more sexual and attractive, at least by the standards of this culture.  Physical attractiveness and sexuality (at least in a hetero way) are seen as the hallmarks of femininity and femaleness.  (I think it’s the other way around, frankly.)  Others thought they’d find cute boyfriends or girlfriends, or husbands or wives who could “treat them right”.  Still others are trying to live up to other sorts of expectations, whether self-imposed or transmitted by the culture. 

Me, I’m not looking for a romantic or sexual relationship right now.  I don’t feel I need it; I can live just fine with myself, thank you.  Living alone, with a couple of cats, is certainly better than abuse or the demands some put on people in relationships. And while I’m going to try (again) to lose some weight, I rather like what I see in the mirror. Sure, I’m aging a bit quicker than I would have liked, but I think I also see an emotional honesty and vulnerability I never before saw. Perhaps others have seen it, too:  These days, people I meet talk to me because, nearly all of them say, “You look like someone I can talk to.”

Those same people tell me they knew, looking at me, that I’d survived a thing or two.  If I do say so myself, I have.  And, while I may not be the deepest person in the world, I don’t think people—whatever else they might say about me—accuse me of being shallow.  Plus, they all know that I mean whatever I’m telling them but I’m not saying any of it to be mean.

In short, I am starting to understand, not only what’s changed, but what I’ve gained in my transition.  Although some things are still very difficult, I still have hope that things will get better—or, more precisely, I will be better able to navigate them.  I’m also realizing now that the things and people I’ve lost probably would have been lost whether or not I’d transitioned or had my operation.  We change, sometimes incrementally, sometimes dramatically. But change we do, as long as we’re living.  I have to remember that a dozen years have passed since I started my counseling and, as I mentioned, almost six since my operation.  In such time frames—and in shorter ones—things changed, whether in my expectations or perception of myself and others. I didn’t want to be the same person at 24 as I did at 18, or the same person at 36 as at 30.  So why shouldn’t the kind of woman I want to be change as well.  After all, let’s face it:  I couldn’t be, at my age, the kind of woman I envisioned when I was younger, even if I wanted to.

Here’s some advice I’d give to someone—especially a young person—starting a transition:  You’ll change, but not necessarily as a result of your transition or surgery (if you decide to undergo it). And sometimes your change is of a kind you hadn’t expected.  Understanding those things, from what I’ve experienced, a way to prevent regrets and disappointments, neither of which I have about my transition or surgery.