On this block, even in this day and age, most women become mothers, sometimes by choice but usually by circumstance. Some become wives--many more, I believe, than ever would have chosen such a fate. I always wonder whether I'd end up like them had I been born female. Would I've had a child--like the one I once was? Would I've wished him--given him--that long garden of childhood people always seem to remember--which is to say wish--having? For that matter, what would I make of having a boy--or girl? That is to ask: What would I have done if I'd had a child who didn't fall between his or her own nature and what teachers, priests, government authorities and other adults expect?
Long before I knew I could undergo the transition I'll soon culminate, I swore I'd never have children. It's one of two resolutions--getting away from this block was the other--that I've ever stuck to. I knew, even then, I couldn't justify bringing anyone into this world to face he same kinds of conflicts I had, or anything like them. Not that I regret them now: the struggle and frustrations have turned me into a person who's embarked on, I believe, the most exciting, excruciating and enerving experience one can have other than giving birth to another human being. Since I'll never be able to do that (barring a sudden advance in medical technology) even after I've completed my transformation, I'll never know for sure. But, as I said, I still have no wish to bring the needs of another mouth, the longings of another pair of eyes or the rupture of another skin into being.
I still can only wonder how many mothers--including my own--actually chose the role born from their children...and the role by which they're always identified.
If you're a woman and you don't give birth to, or raise, children, then the world--most men, anyway--will fix at least one of these labels on you: bitch, whore, dyke. In this scheme, a woman can be a bitch and a whore, but any actual or perceived lesbianism overrides everything else: Men profess more hatred, which is to say more fascination, for the other two.
I wonder where I'll fit in that scheme. Ultimately, it doesn't matter, in a way, because I won't have any more to do with men than I have to. Hopefully, I'll never have to turn tricks again, but I know better than to say "never again." What I hope, at least now, that I'll never have to be of use to anybody ever again, for any reason or in any way--whether for their real needs or their fantasies. Then, whatever I become will be all right